一代移民父母,你们尝试过用“减法”来提升亲子关系吗?

“我儿子上小学的时候,还是很听话的。基本上我要求他做什么,就算他不愿意,还是会做的。我们之间的关系也很亲密,他每天在学校发生的事也喜欢和我说。”

“但是到了7年级,他好像变了一个人。他开始无视我的要求,有的时候,我们之间会产生很激烈的争执。最近,他不太愿意和我说话,一放学就躲进房间,我询问他在学校的情况,他也是面无表情的说一句很好,就没下文了” (这是在一次墨尔本大学self change workshop 中的一位妈妈所述说的, 参与讨论的很多妈妈都有同样的经历和感触)

“我很爱我的父母,但是他们强烈的控制欲却让我喘不过气来。” “我觉得他们作为移民,对自己子女的要求非常严格,尤其是女孩子。” “他们的霸道和过度保护,让我成为了一个害羞内向,并且孤独的人。” (这是在Facebook一个名叫Subtle Asian Traits的小组上,一位澳大利亚华裔孩子在网络上寻求帮助的帖子)。

作为移民澳洲的华人一代移民父母,有说不尽的苦衷。

“我放弃了国内优越的生活,为了孩子们,远离父母、老公、朋友,一个人做起了陪读妈妈。英语也不好,环境都是陌生的,每天就是围着孩子转。接送上下学,一天三餐,从小学一路陪到中学。我们之间的矛盾越来越多。我真的付出很多,但孩子们根本不理解。真不知道什么时候才能熬到头” (Wang Huan 在一次聚焦小组的访谈中叙述)

深感自我迷失,亲子关系越来越紧张的一代移民父母们,一直都在努力的寻求化解问题的方法。网络上各类育儿书籍,线下陪读妈妈读书会,以及收费心理培训课程。

但是越来越多的沟通技巧,在情绪爆发的那一刻,总是显得苍白无力。

Alice Bai 在我们的沟通技巧workshop中讲述了自己的一段经历。 “今天一推门,看到他在上网课的时候,又在打游戏。我们已经心平气和的沟通过很多次了,但他还是这样!我试图用所学的各种 ‘沟通技巧’来处理这种情况,但是此刻我只觉得一股无名火冲上来,我忍不住想斥责他。我的大脑在这一刻是空白的,我所学的无数的技巧,没有了一点力量。我想做的,就是对着他大吼一顿。”

“我也遇到过类似的情况,有的时候我可以根据所学的技巧忍住不对他发火,但这样忍下去,我担心自己会内伤,或者忍无可忍的时候,爆发的更厉害。” (一位妈妈在讨论中说)。

当一代移民父母们,面对市场上充斥着的各式增益的新颖、独特、概念性、创造性的现代沟通技巧,并试图通过掌握技巧来努力改变自我,以获得与孩子之间良好的亲子关系时,你有没有尝试着用‘减法’,回归亲子之间本真的单纯关系?

“减法” 蕴含着冥想的哲学:简单、纯粹的,最具有力量。当你在面对自己,以及与孩子们之间的沟通时,投入足够的注意力和感受力,你所体验的,是你自己内心的映照。

法国艺术家伊夫·克莱因(Yves Klein)认为:蓝色代表自由、无穷、可以超越所有。具有难以被定义的、无限的、绝对的意象,带给人心理上的一种‘自我’意识,是宇宙最本质的颜色。

想象一下,如果在克莱因营造的蓝色空间中,不去试图追逐你所学过的各种沟通技巧,只是安静下来,感知自己细微的情绪和念头,感受自己内心的最单纯的想法。褪去一切造作的方法,简单下来,回归到你与孩子,最本初的关系中。在她/他出生的那一刻,你们之间就本具最亲密的关系。你不需要努力做什么,你只要专注于当下,无论好坏,你们彼此都可以释然接纳对方。

冥想的训练已经被科学验证有效改变大脑结构,帮助提升注意力,平稳情绪,激发自我同情心,并增加抗压能力。在澳洲的中小学,被广泛应用于日校‘社会情商教学’教材中,并证明对提高学生专注力,正面情绪管理以及增强抗逆力,有显著的效果。在心理学临床中,冥想也被广泛应用于抑郁、焦虑、拖延症等心理疗愈。

但是作为一代移民的父母们,面对各种焦虑的困境,应该如何寻求帮助呢?孩子们在澳洲长大,他们没有语言的障碍,可以通过学校或者朋友,获得心理辅导的途径。但是我们这些语言不通畅,没有能力获取足够有效资源的华人移民父母们,该如何寻求帮助呢?我们似乎已经融入了当地的文化社会,但我们却并没有真正的归属感。这不禁让我们陷入深入的思考:

我们的孩子在东方与西方文化交融中成长,西方模式化的社会情感教育体系真的可以帮助他们吗?

为什么我的孩子在澳洲生长,但年满18岁了,都不喜欢和西人交朋友,只喜欢与同样华人背景的朋友一起玩?

为什么我的华人家庭文化非常传统,但我的孩子只喜欢西方文化,甚至厌恶并逃避华人家庭朋友的聚会?

作为一代移民父母,我在澳洲真的开心吗?我的心理健康状况正常吗?

为什么我有的时候感觉自己非常焦虑?

面对孩子,我无法控制自己的情绪,我的情绪管理指数正常吗?

你以为只有你一个人有这样的问题吗?

其实不是。作为澳洲第二大移民种族的华人,有着同样的困惑。虽然澳洲华人移民已经近70万人,但在澳洲,依然属于“少数、弱势群体”。

至今为止,澳洲的华人面对自己与孩子的心理健康问题,一直采取隐忍的策略,因此造成无数严重心理疾病的家庭悲剧。究其原因,是没有人真正了解过华人的心理健康状况,没能及时的采集这方面的数据,并提交给澳洲政策制定机构。虽然澳洲政府非常重视心理健康的建设,并投巨资用于青少年及父母的心理建设,但针对华人文化背景的应对方案,却依然欠缺。

 

为了帮助我们整个澳洲华人群体获取更多的社会支持,我们诚挚的邀请您和您的孩子(12-15岁澳洲在校生),参与我们的问卷调查。这份问卷涵盖四项专业临床心理测试:1、正念冥想的能力水平,2、情绪管理能力水平, 3、自我同情能力水平, 4、抗压能力水平。

您和您孩子的的宝贵参与,可以利益到我们所有澳洲华人家庭和孩子。请扫描以下二维码参与调查(大约15-20分)并帮助扩散。参与过的家庭父母(其中一人即可),将有机会进入到我们第二个聚焦小组调研环节,接受免费的四周“正念冥想提升亲子关系”培训课程。有兴趣参加的家长,请在完成您和孩子的问卷调查后,私信联系我们的调查员。

⚠️此二维码为孩子英文版试卷

1
供图

 https://rmit.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_4T1vjjA54Y5Bxmm

⚠️此二维码为父母中文版试卷

 

2
供图

https://rmit.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_ahKgOQBNCh3ygZg

更多中英版本问卷(孩子中文版,父母英文版)链接,请点击这里

主要研究者/高级导师: MERV JACKSON 、教授副研究员/副导师: SOPHIA XENOS 教授、JASON WONG博士和MARK LEE博士。

 

您可以微信我们的主要项目博士生: 陈京华

 

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